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Stoned guy at mass really enjoying Body of Christ

  

Category:  Satire

Via:  hallux  •  2 weeks ago  •  7 comments

By:   Staff - The Beaverton

Stoned guy at mass really enjoying Body of Christ

S E E D E D   C O N T E N T


WINDSOR, ON — A stoned man attending   Catholic   mass this past weekend appeared to particularly enjoy the Communion wafers on offer.

Jon Talbot, 34, popped an edible prior to attending mass with his family for the first time since leaving home at 18. Like many new gummy users before him, Talbot experienced a spiritual awakening.

”I found God,” he says wistfully, shovelling Communion wafers into his mouth like popcorn. “And He is delicious.”


At first, fellow churchgoers believed Talbot was red-eyed due to either the beauty of the priest’s words, or the struggle to stay awake through the service. The truth came to light when Talbot was caught sinning in the church.


“He stole everyone else’s wafers and crawled into the corner to covet them,” says churchgoer Lillian Green. “And he started chugging the   Blood   of Christ to combat his dry mouth.”

When asked how he realized Talbot was stoned out of his gourd, priest Father Andrew shrugged and responded, “He had no idea how loud he was in the confession booth. Also   it   was the first time someone’s laughed at one of my jokes in thirty years.”


“Honestly, if this gets butts in pews, he might be onto something.”


When his mother attempted to stop his gluttony by reminding him that he has Celiac disease, Talbot reportedly brought a single wafer to eye level and said, “One of you will betray me.”

At press time, Talbot was unavailable for further comment as he was still in the church bathroom repeatedly taking the Lord’s name in vain.


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Hallux
Professor Principal
1  seeder  Hallux    2 weeks ago

Someone needs to pick up the slack, both Yahweh and Beelzebub are so mightily bored with petty sinners Charon has been ordered to charge for snacks 'n stuff ... avoid the water, Styx stynks.

 
 
 
Split Personality
Professor Guide
1.1  Split Personality  replied to  Hallux @1    2 weeks ago

Thank you for the smiles.

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
2  Trout Giggles    2 weeks ago

jrSmiley_10_smiley_image.gif

That's the funniest thing I've read in a long time

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
2.1  devangelical  replied to  Trout Giggles @2    2 weeks ago

I recall a few weed churches operating in denver ...

 
 
 
Dismayed Patriot
Professor Quiet
 
 
Igknorantzruls
Sophomore Quiet
4  Igknorantzruls    2 weeks ago

i got flagged from a buddy’s viewing before, and i’m only flagged from a few local churches, and a slight disguise, like Clarke Kent’s glasses, and they pretend to not know it’s me …

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
4.1  devangelical  replied to  Igknorantzruls @4    2 weeks ago

meh, until they lay hands on you and start in with the bible jabbering, you should be safe ...

 
 

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