╌>

Piece of shit cat knocks over fucking swear jar

  

Category:  Satire

Via:  hallux  •  2 weeks ago  •  50 comments

By:   SHANE MURPHY - The Beaverton

Piece of shit cat knocks over fucking swear jar

S E E D E D   C O N T E N T


WINDSOR — Local cat Furvel Mittenpaws has sent shockwaves through the Watson household after deliberately knocking over the family’s swear jar in an act of pure malice.

“That son of a bitch knew exactly what the fuck he was doing,” said Darren Watson, a podiatrist and father of two. “He’s the fucking reason we’re using the goddamn swear jar in the first place, because everything that asshole does makes us curse like fucking sailors.”

The incident took place on Sunday, while the Watsons were gathered around their kitchen table playing a heated game of Balderdash.


“It was a total dick move,” said Luke, the family’s 15-year-old son. “We were having a great time and that evil piece of shit ruined it. He looked right at us while he pushed the jar over, like he was saying ‘fuck you guys.’”


The cat, a domestic shorthair the Watsons found in a dumpster, has destroyed numerous ceramics, heirlooms and pieces of furniture since it was adopted in 2018.

“We’ve all been trying so fucking hard to clean up our language but he makes it damn near impossible,” said Marianne, the family’s matriarch. “I honestly think he enjoys it when he makes me say stuff like ‘cocknugget’ in front of the kids.”


But the Watsons’ 12-year-old daughter, Josie, has a different theory.


“Everybody calls Furvel stupid, but he’s actually a genius,” said Josie, holding the offending cat in her lap. “He only does bad stuff because he knows all the money in the swear jar goes towards spoiling him. He’s a crafty little bastard.”

At press time, the Watsons had already spent the $174 from the broken jar on a new scratching post, a memory foam cat bed, and ten pounds of bluefin tuna. When asked why they were rewarding the animal’s bad behaviour, a representative from the family said, “We can’t help it, he’s just so fucking cute.”



Tags

jrDiscussion - desc
[]
 
Hallux
PhD Principal
1  seeder  Hallux    2 weeks ago

... "cocknugget"? That's a new one.

 
 
 
sandy-2021492
Professor Expert
1.1  sandy-2021492  replied to  Hallux @1    2 weeks ago

Yeah, I thought I was a fairly fluent potty mouth when necessary, but I never heard that one.

Adding to my repertoire.

 
 
 
Hallux
PhD Principal
1.1.1  seeder  Hallux  replied to  sandy-2021492 @1.1    2 weeks ago

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
2  Trout Giggles    one week ago

Is that the beastie in the photo? He is cute. I'd let get away with murder.

Oh...wait...I already let someone get away with murder

384

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
2.1  devangelical  replied to  Trout Giggles @2    one week ago

some unknown feline urinated in my shower last week. feline will soon experience the futility of climbing a plastic shower curtain...

 
 
 
sandy-2021492
Professor Expert
2.1.1  sandy-2021492  replied to  devangelical @2.1    one week ago
feline will soon experience the futility of climbing a plastic shower curtain...

Futile to the feline, or you?  You're the one who's going to have to buy a new shower curtain.

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
2.1.2  devangelical  replied to  sandy-2021492 @2.1.1    one week ago

I don't see him clearing the rod at 7 feet with wet feet...

 
 
 
sandy-2021492
Professor Expert
2.1.3  sandy-2021492  replied to  devangelical @2.1.2    one week ago

That's cuz you don't use your claws to climb.  I'm seeing shredded shower curtains and a cat who pisses on your bathroom rug for revenge.

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
2.1.4  devangelical  replied to  sandy-2021492 @2.1.3    one week ago

basic physics has prohibited this particular feline offender from access to my bed...

 
 
 
Perrie Halpern R.A.
Professor Expert
2.2  Perrie Halpern R.A.  replied to  Trout Giggles @2    one week ago

He's too cute to be mad at.

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
2.2.1  Trout Giggles  replied to  Perrie Halpern R.A. @2.2    one week ago

That's my Furry Over Lord, Mistress Charlene. BTW, how is yours doing?

 
 
 
Hallux
PhD Principal
2.3  seeder  Hallux  replied to  Trout Giggles @2    one week ago

Cats are loveable serial killers.

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
2.3.1  devangelical  replied to  Hallux @2.3    one week ago

house cats are the aristocracy of mammals on the planet...

 
 
 
sandy-2021492
Professor Expert
2.3.2  sandy-2021492  replied to  devangelical @2.3.1    one week ago

And they never forget, or let their subjects forget.

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
2.3.3  devangelical  replied to  sandy-2021492 @2.3.2    one week ago

the 2 cats I'm around act like I'm invisible, until they want something. their current training program is a failure.

 
 
 
sandy-2021492
Professor Expert
2.3.4  sandy-2021492  replied to  devangelical @2.3.3    one week ago

Mine do the same, unless they're actively seeking to get in my way.  One always jumps on the counter and sticks his tail up my nose when I'm brushing my teeth.  And they're both always underfoot in the kitchen, along with the dog.  I suppose they're hoping that if they trip me, I'll drop some food.

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
2.3.5  devangelical  replied to  sandy-2021492 @2.3.4    one week ago

 4 legged creatures are pretty far down the list of those that I'll listen to...

 
 
 
sandy-2021492
Professor Expert
2.3.6  sandy-2021492  replied to  devangelical @2.3.5    one week ago

Maybe that's why they pee in your shower ;)

 
 
 
Krishna
Professor Expert
2.3.7  Krishna  replied to  devangelical @2.3.1    one week ago
house cats are the aristocracy of mammals on the planet..

There's an olde saying:

In ancient Egypt cats were worshipped as gods. And they've never forgotten it! jrSmiley_4_smiley_image.png

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
2.3.8  devangelical  replied to  sandy-2021492 @2.3.6    one week ago

no feline that's missing it's testicles will ever become a dominate male ...

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
2.3.9  devangelical  replied to  sandy-2021492 @2.3.4    5 days ago

my kid's dogs always plant themselves next to me at the dinner table, as if I don't know the house rules...

 
 
 
sandy-2021492
Professor Expert
2.3.10  sandy-2021492  replied to  devangelical @2.3.9    5 days ago

I never get to eat unwatched.  I have to show my dog my empty hands to get him to stop whining.

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
2.3.11  Trout Giggles  replied to  devangelical @2.3.9    5 days ago

I'm glad I had a dog when the youngest was little. He was a messy eater and the dog was more than happy to clean the floor for me. She camped out under his chair every night

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
2.3.12  devangelical  replied to  Trout Giggles @2.3.11    5 days ago

my son's dog longs for those days long past with my granddaughter at the table...

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
2.3.13  Trout Giggles  replied to  devangelical @2.3.12    5 days ago

Aww..poor pooch.

My Missy passed away before the Toddler Tornado stopped making a mess (he was 13)

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
2.3.14  devangelical  replied to  Trout Giggles @2.3.13    4 days ago

I attract all of the 4 legged beggars now. I copped a k9 rep last labor day when a few hot dogs rolled off the bbq.

 
 
 
Hal A. Lujah
Professor Guide
3  Hal A. Lujah    one week ago

I can sympathize.  I once fostered a couple cats for someone for about six months while they moved and got settled in across the country.  We eventually figured out that the albino one was deaf after it would knock every glass off the counter just to casually watch it shatter across the floor.  Probably should have figured that out by his attacking the vacuum cleaner while it was running.

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
3.1  devangelical  replied to  Hal A. Lujah @3    3 days ago

I gained a temporary feline roommate a few years ago because she couldn't get along with her k9 brother. she was only interested in getting in my face when I was on the phone or laptop. when the dog died she went back home and either found somebody she liked better or went out to dinner with the coyotes shortly after...

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
Professor Expert
4  Buzz of the Orient    one week ago

Wait a second.  I thought we Canadians were supposed to be really polite,  This story is OBVIOUSLY satire. 

Haven't I always been polite?  I mean, I only use the F word when I'm REALLY angry. 

 
 
 
Tessylo
Professor Principal
4.1  Tessylo  replied to  Buzz of the Orient @4    one week ago

Your comment about guns on another thread and you being Candian made me think of a sketch on The Kids in The Hall.

A tourist on vacation on some island was talking to a native and the native thought the tourist was from America and he told the native he was Canadian - like an American but with a gun - and this was 35 years ago

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
Professor Expert
4.1.1  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  Tessylo @4.1    one week ago

35 years ago almost nobody had a gun.  I had one client who was caught with an illegal one, and another who was an actor who did have a gun permit.  When i was a kid we went fishing up north and the owner of the place had a rifle.  Other than the rifle I used at school to win the marksman trophy I knew of no others who would have a gun except policemen, bank guards and bank cash delivery van guards.  Back then, 35 years ago, even Americans had hardly that many guns so I don't get your story.

 
 
 
Tessylo
Professor Principal
4.1.2  Tessylo  replied to  Buzz of the Orient @4.1.1    one week ago

All righty then.  Whatever

 
 
 
charger 383
Professor Silent
4.1.3  charger 383  replied to  Buzz of the Orient @4.1.1    one week ago

35 years ago, I had acquired many guns. 

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
Professor Expert
4.1.4  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  charger 383 @4.1.3    one week ago

Well, then maybe it was more than 35 years ago.  Maybe it was 50 or 60 years ago. 

So how many guns is enough guns?

 
 
 
charger 383
Professor Silent
4.1.5  charger 383  replied to  Buzz of the Orient @4.1.4    one week ago

Guns can be a good investment; I got all mine at good prices, on sale or from somebody needing quick cash.  I don't have any collector's pieces. 

Many people buy and sell them as a hobby

I don't know how many is enough But I knew a rich man who had over 1,000 guns   

 
 
 
Hallux
PhD Principal
4.1.6  seeder  Hallux  replied to  charger 383 @4.1.5    one week ago
But I knew a rich man who had over 1,000 guns 

That is no longer a hobby, it is a compulsion.

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
4.1.7  devangelical  replied to  Hallux @4.1.6    one week ago

2nd mortgage needed just to buy a box of ammo for each one...

 
 
 
cjcold
Professor Quiet
4.1.8  cjcold  replied to  Buzz of the Orient @4.1.4    one week ago

1. Long range rifle for 500+ yards.

2. Combat rifle AR-15, AK-47 etc....

3. Combat shotgun Benelli M4 etc...

4. Hunting shotgun long barrel.

5. Long range magnum handgun.

6. Semi auto combat handgun.

7. Semi auto concealed pistol.

8. .22 plinking rifle.

9. .22 plinking pistol.

This is the bare minimum of guns one should own.

 
 
 
cjcold
Professor Quiet
4.1.9  cjcold  replied to  devangelical @4.1.7    one week ago

I reload for all my centerfire guns. Much cheaper!

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
Professor Expert
4.1.10  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  charger 383 @4.1.5    one week ago

I know that Charelton Heston was a collector.  As well he was famous for his "pry my gun from my cold dead hands" comment.  I can see you consider it an investment, but what's scary is people who vernerate them..  "Happiness is a warm gun"

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
Professor Expert
4.1.11  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  devangelical @4.1.7    one week ago

Much the same story as having a computer printer.  It's not too expensive to buy, but then they've got you by the gonads forever requiring you to buy replacement ink modules.

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
Professor Expert
4.1.12  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  cjcold @4.1.8    one week ago

You must be an NRA supporter,, and you sure deserve a medal from the arms industry.

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
4.1.13  devangelical  replied to  charger 383 @4.1.5    one week ago
Many people buy and sell them as a hobby

garage sales and estate sales can offer some exceptional deals. my last major purchase was from a widow that told me she wouldn't negotiate price and she wanted exactly the amount stated on the original purchase receipts.

  • $25 16ga shotgun
  • $100 12ga double barrel shotgun
  • $50 .380 semi auto pistol
  • $100 .38 revolver
  • $200 SKS with 4 banana clips and a case of UN 7.62x39 ammo
 
 
 
charger 383
Professor Silent
4.1.14  charger 383  replied to  devangelical @4.1.13    one week ago

a good deal!

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
4.1.15  devangelical  replied to  charger 383 @4.1.14    6 days ago

there were a few other long guns I bought from her at the time, but I can't remember which ones or how much I paid. I got the impression that she somehow thought they depreciated in value over time, so I ended up buying all of them.

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
4.1.16  devangelical  replied to  charger 383 @4.1.14    6 days ago

my prize piece is a 1839 nickel plated french/belgium made pinfire revolver that isn't restored. I found it stuck inside a sock at the bottom of an old fishing tackle box I bought at an estate sale for next to nothing.

my biggest regret was not having the cash handy in '75 to buy a WWII .45 thompson and an uzi for $200 each.

I sold all my long guns in 2010, because having that SKS around with so many tea party terrorists running loose was a bit too tempting, but I kept all my handguns. I purchased 2 other exotic pieces of hardware recently, to be prepared for any bad news next year. hope for the best and plan for the worst has always been my motto...

 
 
 
cjcold
Professor Quiet
4.1.17  cjcold  replied to  Buzz of the Orient @4.1.12    5 days ago

Actually, I'm not an NRA supporter. I believe in common sense gun regulations. The NRA fights against any/all regulations.

When I was a kid the NRA was primarily all about hunter safety education. Today they are all about shilling for the manufacturers.

I actually own more than the "basics". There are subcategories.

 
 
 
Texan1211
Professor Principal
4.1.18  Texan1211  replied to  cjcold @4.1.17    5 days ago
The NRA fights against any/all regulations.

That is a false claim, but I'll be sure to inform PBS they are all wrong in their reporting according to you.

NRA has backed most state gun laws passed since Sandy Hook | PBS News

Oh, can't leave Time out, either:

National Rifle Association's Change on Gun Control in 1970s | TIME

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
4.1.19  devangelical  replied to  cjcold @4.1.17    5 days ago

I dropped my lifetime NRA membership when they became a penile accessory for the GOP...

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
Professor Expert
4.1.20  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  cjcold @4.1.17    5 days ago

Okay, I know how it is.  Children MUST have their toys.  I would have been really pissed when I was a kid if I didn't have a water pistol and a cap gun. 

 
 

Who is online

Sparty On
Igknorantzruls
KatPen


32 visitors