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Forest Hill by-election to show Canada what people without problems think

  

Category:  Satire

Via:  hallux  •  one month ago  •  8 comments

By:   JACOB MCARTHUR MOONEY - The Beaverton

Forest Hill by-election to show Canada what people without problems think

S E E D E D   C O N T E N T


Toronto – In a democratic exercise set to take place later this month, voters in Toronto-St Pauls, centered around one of Canada’s wealthiest neighbourhoods in Forest Hill, will elect a new MP to voice their concerns–of which they have none–to Ottawa.

Folks on the street struggled to think up any complaints. “You know what’s gotten out of control lately? Tipping,” said one man who refused to give his name when we accidentally rolled our eyes at his answer. “Yeah. People ask you to tip too much now. And, um…women’s sports? There should be a law so trans women don’t play women’s sports.”

The resident continued to list off political issues only people without problems think about before leaving to make a midday appointment for personal training. 


“We always hear on the news that Canadians are struggling,” said local political scientist Edward Merensky. “But this by-election asks the question: what about those who aren’t struggling? What’s up with them?”


The seat is being contested to replace Carolyn Bennett, who was first elected in 1997 and kept winning, despite having no accomplishments, because everyone was “basically fine” with “keeping things they way they are.” Dr Bennett has retired after 27 uneventful years to be Canada’s Ambassador to Denmark, the Forest Hill of Europe.

Three major candidates will compete to win the Job for Life. They are Liberal Party insider Lesley Church, NDP insider Amrar Parhar, and Conservative insider Don Stewart who, like 80% of the adult population of the neighbourhood, is in investment banking or private equity or something.


Asked to identify the key issues that inspired him to take action, Mr Stewart was circumspect.


“My number one issue is the capital gains tax exemption,” Stewart managed to say with a straight face. “It’s going to really hurt people who flip condos in their spare time, or who have more properties than grandchildren so they can’t hide their money by putting all the deeds in the kids’ names.”

Other locals, while unable to name specific grievances or obstacles, still defended their neighbourhood. “You think life is easy here, but it’s not. We have troubles like anyone else, we’re just not comfortable talking about them because we know the rest of the country will make fun of us,” said a giant stupid baby on his way to his bullshit life. “We have problems too, even if we don’t always remember what they were.”



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Hallux
PhD Principal
1  seeder  Hallux    one month ago

Meh, Forest Hill was swallowed by Toronto when the 'Great Amalgamation' took place ... the Forestian Hillians uttered not a whimper but found 'complacent happiness' in strapping into 'too big to fail' status.

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
Professor Expert
1.1  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  Hallux @1    one month ago

You really zeroed in on a part of my life here.  Part of my life was spent living in Forest Hill, boarding at homes there when I was a law student.  It was where the family homes were of most of my good friends including my two best friends, many of the girls I dated were Forest Hill girls, back in high school days a girl student at Toronto's elite public high school, Forest Hill Collegiate Institute, took me as her date to the Forest Hill prom.  Yes, Forest Hill did figure fairly important in my life, but I assume not at all in yours.

 
 
 
Hallux
PhD Principal
1.1.1  seeder  Hallux  replied to  Buzz of the Orient @1.1    one month ago

I'm a Westmount lad.

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
Professor Expert
1.1.2  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  Hallux @1.1.1    one month ago

Westmount is a pretty important place as well.  Didn't Leonard Cohen grow up in Westmount?  I once attended a cocktail party in Westmount where I met Pierre Elliott Trudeau well after his serving as PM and I believe he was by that time no longer with Margaret.  He hit on my daughter there, which I didn't mind - to me it just meant that he had excellent taste. 

 
 
 
Kavika
Professor Principal
2  Kavika     one month ago

The problems of the wealthy, are insurmountable..Opps late for my personal trainer session and a late lunch at the club.

 
 
 
Hallux
PhD Principal
2.1  seeder  Hallux  replied to  Kavika @2    one month ago

Wampum sales are good this year?

 
 
 
Kavika
Professor Principal
2.1.1  Kavika   replied to  Hallux @2.1    one month ago

More than good.

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
2.1.2  devangelical  replied to  Kavika @2.1.1    one month ago

those aryan haircuts sure make for skimpy scalps ...

 
 

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