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BREAKING: Makers of 9-in-1 body wash admit it’s just laundry detergent

  

Category:  Satire

Via:  hallux  •  4 weeks ago  •  15 comments

By:    SHANE MURPHY - The Beaverton

BREAKING: Makers of 9-in-1 body wash admit it’s just laundry detergent

S E E D E D   C O N T E N T


OTTAWA — In a stunning revelation that has shaken the personal care industry to its core, the makers of Düush+, a popular men’s 9-in-1 body wash, have admitted that the product is actually just laundry detergent.

Max De Groot, the founder and CEO of RealSuds, made the announcement during a press conference on Tuesday.

“It’s time to come clean about our Düush+ line of products,” said De Groot solemnly. “We never intended to deceive the public, but as more and more of our competitors started releasing 4-in-1, 5-in-1 and even 7-in-1 products, we had to keep pace.”

The market for men’s personal hygiene products has experienced a major shift over the past decade, with increasingly frugal consumers demanding more uses out of every bottle. This is in marked contrast to the women’s market, where multiple bottles of different products are often required to accomplish a single task.

In order to bring the original Düush 3-in-1 formula up to a 9-in-1, the company began secretly cutting it with laundry detergent. In addition to shampoo, conditioner and body wash, the detergent allowed RealSuds to add six more benefits to the label: stain buster, scent booster, wrinkle guard, pube softener, personal lubricant and anus whitener.

“When the complaints about stinging genitals and hair loss were minimal, we kept increasing the ratio of detergent to body wash until, eventually, the whole bottle was just detergent,” said De Groot. “We know it was a dirty thing to do, especially for a company that deals in cleanliness, and we apologize.”

Fortunately for De Groot, reaction to the announcement among Düush+ users has been largely ambivalent.

“I couldn’t even tell you what any of its other uses are besides shampoo and body wash,” said local landscaper Kris Kerrigan. “But I do know that nine is a higher number than four or seven, which means it’s better than most of the other stuff on the market. Plus, it’s nice to know that if the washing machine in my building breaks, I can just hop in the shower with my clothes on.”

Following the press conference, RealSuds confirmed that it will update all Düush+ packaging with a disclaimer, and also that convenient new Düush+ shower pods will be arriving in stores this summer.


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Hallux
PhD Principal
1  seeder  Hallux    4 weeks ago

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
1.1  devangelical  replied to  Hallux @1    4 weeks ago

good thing they didn't give it a minty fresh taste...

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
2  Trout Giggles    4 weeks ago

Hey...if it can wash my clothes and remove those mustard, bar-b-q, and blood stains I'm all for it! I hate doing laundry

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
2.1  devangelical  replied to  Trout Giggles @2    4 weeks ago

did somebody take move your rock at the crick?

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
2.1.1  Trout Giggles  replied to  devangelical @2.1    4 weeks ago

Oh, it's still there but my clothes all have holes in them. This sounds easier and better on my clothes

 
 
 
Kavika
Professor Principal
3  Kavika     4 weeks ago

Throw in the static remover when I get into the dry cycle.

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
3.1  Trout Giggles  replied to  Kavika @3    4 weeks ago

You live in Florida...do you really need static remover?

 
 
 
Kavika
Professor Principal
3.1.1  Kavika   replied to  Trout Giggles @3.1    4 weeks ago
You live in Florida...do you really need static remover?

Of course, I do, you've heard of the Electric Cowboy, the-electric-horseman-1979-universal-pictures-film-with-robert-redford-DGH5TH.jpg

Well, I'm the Electric Indian.

512

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
3.1.2  Trout Giggles  replied to  Kavika @3.1.1    4 weeks ago

LOL!

I figured with all that humidity in FLA you wouldn't need it.

 
 
 
Hallux
PhD Principal
3.1.3  seeder  Hallux  replied to  Kavika @3.1.1    4 weeks ago
you've heard of the Electric Cowboy,

Nope, but I have heard of the Eclectic Indian.

 
 
 
charger 383
Professor Silent
4  charger 383    4 weeks ago

Will it clean dishes and windows too?

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
4.1  Trout Giggles  replied to  charger 383 @4    4 weeks ago

Now yer talkin'!

 
 
 
Freefaller
Professor Quiet
4.2  Freefaller  replied to  charger 383 @4    4 weeks ago

Stove tops as well

 
 
 
charger 383
Professor Silent
4.2.1  charger 383  replied to  Freefaller @4.2    4 weeks ago

If I can use it to wash the dog, it will cover most of my needs

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
4.2.2  devangelical  replied to  charger 383 @4.2.1    4 weeks ago

bad idea...

 
 

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