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Trump clarifies abortion stance as “whatever will convince you, personally, to vote for me”

  

Category:  Satire

Via:  hallux  •  one month ago  •  7 comments

By:   IAN MACINTYRE - The Beaverton

Trump clarifies abortion stance as “whatever will convince you, personally, to vote for me”

S E E D E D   C O N T E N T


PALM BEACH, FL – In a video statement taped at his Mar-a-Lago country club, former President   Trump   assured voters that his firmly held stance on   abortion   is also whatever stance will create a sufficient permission structure for them to cast their vote for him in November.

“They said it couldn’t be done, but I pulled it off,” explained Trump as he stared into the camera with a dead-eyed feral intensity. “Everybody wants to know what my stance is on a national abortion ban, and I’m happy to announce that my beliefs just so happen to align perfectly with whatever your beliefs are, which is amazing, I know, you’re welcome.”

Trump went on to clarify that his position on whether or not he believes abortion is wrong is both a deeply held moral view, and also flexible enough to encompass literally any opinion that a registered voter might possess.

“If you’re one of those religious wackjobs who thanks me for overturning Roe v. Wade and thinks every fertile woman should be outfitted with a loJack to prevent them crossing state lines to access reproductive health, I agree with you 100%,” Trump explained. “If you think abortion is a human right and should be available in every vending machine, what do you know, I also agree with you completely.”

“Heck, even if you believe that we should outsource all of our abortions to   Canada , I just wanna know what it’ll take for me to put you into a voting booth, voting for me.”

Across the country, voters’ responses to Trump’s abortion statement were mixed.

Martha Greaves of Mobile, AB noted, “I know he’s lying, but I also know that he’s an amoral narcissist who views the world through entirely transactional terms, and as an evangelical voter that suits me just fine.”

Desmond Heffner of Portland, OR adds, “As an informed idiot I’m receptive to Trump’s ‘self-serving vagueness on abortion’ stance, but I’m also leaning toward RFK Jr’s ‘complete anti-vax nonsense’ platform.”

Tina Marksons of Berkeley, CA offers, “Sure, Trump will do the bidding of transnational oligarchs who want to destabilize the globe and usher in a neo-feudal era, but I saw on TikTok that Joe Biden has ‘resting old man face’, so my hands are tied.”

At press time, yes, you’re once again going to be hearing about Trump vs Biden for yet another   election   year.


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Hallux
PhD Principal
1  seeder  Hallux    one month ago

Sometimes the best satire just ain't satire.

 
 
 
Sean Treacy
Professor Principal
1.1  Sean Treacy  replied to  Hallux @1    one month ago

The Biden standard..

From opposing Roe  to abortion until birth as the politics demand..

 
 
 
Right Down the Center
Senior Guide
1.1.1  Right Down the Center  replied to  Sean Treacy @1.1    one month ago

Or "If I give you 10,000 ( in the form of "loan forgiveness") will you vote for me?

 
 
 
Hallux
PhD Principal
1.1.2  seeder  Hallux  replied to  Sean Treacy @1.1    one month ago

That's the myth that never dies.

 
 
 
Tessylo
Professor Principal
1.1.3  Tessylo  replied to  Hallux @1.1.2    one month ago

It's hateful ignorant arrogance, it doesn't happen.

 
 
 
Tessylo
Professor Principal
2  Tessylo    one month ago

whatever will convince you to vote for me - lol - that's about the long and short of it 

 
 
 
TOM PA
Freshman Silent
2.1  TOM PA  replied to  Tessylo @2    one month ago

X45 is a salesman.  

There is a saying among salesmen (an excuse really).  

"I'm only responsible for what I say, NOT for what you understand."  

 
 

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