Where is he now? Jean Chretien has escaped, Canadians advised to shelter in place


Category:  Satire

Via:  hallux  •  11 months ago  •  10 comments

By:   JANEL COMEAU - The Beaverton

Where is he now? Jean Chretien has escaped, Canadians advised to shelter in place

S E E D E D   C O N T E N T

MONTREAL – The RCMP and Canadian Wildlife Service issued a joint statement late Thursday afternoon advising Canadians across the country to shelter in place after it was discovered that former Prime Minister Jean Chrétien had escaped from his enclosure. 

“I would advise all Canadians to remain in their homes if at all possible, and to make sure all doors and windows are sealed tightly,” said Jean-Jacques Arsenault, head of the Jean Chrétien personal containment unit. “He’s fast, he fits into tight places, and he’s got a much longer reach than you’d think he does. If you do come face-to-face with him, you are advised not to make eye contact, and to back away very slowly while repeating that you did not support the 1995 Quebec referendum.”

“Our teams across the country are working to draw him out by releasing anti-poverty protestors into the streets of major cities so that we can safely subdue the Prime Minister when he bursts out of the bushes to strangle them. These operations are highly sensitive, and Canadians are asked to avoid the areas where we’re working.”

Despite assurances that the 89-year-old former Prime Minister will be recaptured soon, many Canadians report that Chrétien’s escape has them living in constant fear. 

“I’ve had to protect my home from a lot of things over the past few years,” said 42-year-old Lennoxville resident Emile Larrivée. “There’s been wildfires, heatwaves, flooding, a deadly virus, the unstoppable spread of grey laminate floors. But how do I protect ourselves from this? What if he gets into the crawlspace? Or under the deck? What if he decides I might have misappropriated funds intended to promote federalism in the province of Quebec between the years of 1993 and 2004 and decides to start testing the windows?”

“Honestly, I’m thinking about purchasing a long gun to protect my family. I just wish I had somewhere to register it.”

Officials have advised any Canadians without safe shelter to take refuge at local Habitat for Humanity construction sites, as Jean Chrétien is known to avoid building affordable housing. 

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jrDiscussion - desc
PhD Principal
1  seeder  Hallux    11 months ago

This one is for Buzz of the Orient, I ain't 'splain' it!

Professor Quiet
1.1  cjcold  replied to  Hallux @1    11 months ago

Damn! Wish I was Canadian so I would know what the fuck you were talking about!

Thought about going there once but my guns and pot didn't feel welcome.

PhD Principal
1.1.1  seeder  Hallux  replied to  cjcold @1.1    11 months ago

Your guns definitely not, your pot on the other hand ... 

Buzz of the Orient
Professor Expert
1.2  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  Hallux @1    11 months ago

A plea to the R.A. and moderators:  Please don't penalize Hallux for "calling out".  It's all in fun and I'm sure Hallux didn't know he was contravening the rules.  I take no offence whatsoever from this, and in fact I quite enjoy it. 

PhD Principal
1.2.1  seeder  Hallux  replied to  Buzz of the Orient @1.2    11 months ago
contravening the rules

 ... so that's the way out of here. Thanks for the tip.

Buzz of the Orient
Professor Expert
1.2.2  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  Hallux @1.2.1    11 months ago

I just don't want you to get a ticket.

Professor Principal
2  Kavika     11 months ago

LOL, good one.

Buzz of the Orient
Professor Expert
3  Buzz of the Orient    11 months ago

jrSmiley_10_smiley_image.gif   A long time ago, when he was campaigning, I shook his hand.  I knew that Bell's Palsy wasn't catching because I once suffered from it myself.  He was harmless back then - what happened?  Did he get involved in devil worship?

PhD Principal
3.1  seeder  Hallux  replied to  Buzz of the Orient @3    11 months ago

That's a famous photo of Chretien grabbing a protestor, he's just doing his version of a Vulcan mind-meld.

Buzz of the Orient
Professor Expert
3.1.1  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  Hallux @3.1    11 months ago

Yeah, good description.


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